I Always Knew Where She Was
by iwannagibbs
Summary: Gibbs and Ducky talk after the fire. Angsty little something I had in my head that needed to get out.


Disclaimer: I don't own either of these characters.

**I Always Knew Where She Was**

The fire at Director Jennifer Sheppard's townhouse was still smoldering but the men responsible were safely away. Mike Franks was reluctantly on his way back to Mexico. Reluctant only to leave his probie behind, Franks was more than happy to return to sun and sand and cold beer. The man he was worried about had insisted that he go home, go back where only he could find him, just in case. In case he needed him later or needed a place to go himself. Jethro Gibbs made sure Mike was at the airport and getting on the plane before he left him. The two men shared a lot of history. A lot of it bathed in sorrow and regret. Whatever happened next they knew they would depend on each other again if necessary. Right now, Gibbs insisted, he needed to be alone and figure some things out. So, Mike was boarding a plane as Jethro drove aimlessly around the streets of Washington DC.

Dr. Donald (Ducky) Mallard parked his car in the Navy Yard lot and made his way inside the NCIS headquarters building. It had been a long few days and Ducky was tired. He would have preferred to be at home in bed but a phone call from Mike Franks alerted him that he might be needed. Ducky had already called Gibbs on his home and cell phones with no response. He had been to Jethro's house and then to his favorite pub but Gibbs was not in either place. The only other place he thought Gibbs might be was here, at the office, the one place besides home that Jethro spent any amount to time. It was really the only place that made sense when he thought about it and he realized he probably should have come here first. Ducky walked through the squad room where Gibbs' team worked but he didn't really expect him to be there. Ducky was certain he knew where his friend was and he made his way to autopsy with a heavy heart.

The automatic doors whooshed open and Ducky stepped into his domain. Only the security lights illuminated the room dominated by stainless steel tables and cold storage drawers. Ducky let his eyes adjust to the dim light and soon saw who he was looking for. Sitting on the floor at the back of the room, his back against the steel cabinet, his head held in his hands, Jethro was the picture of sadness and exhaustion. Ducky hesitated for a few moments then made his way to stand beside his friend.

"I thought I'd find you here, Jethro. Are you alright?"

"Not really Duck, but I'm not injured if that's what you mean. Mike call you?"

"Yes, he thought you might need someone to…"

"Babysit me?"

"To talk to. Do you mind if I join you?"

"Course not."

The two men sat in silence for a long time. The only sound was the hum of the security lights and the droning of the coolers behind them. Ducky had noted when he first came in that Jethro was sitting next to the drawer containing the body of Director Sheppard. He wondered if Jethro had opened the drawer. Gibbs had not been able to open the body bag earlier and Ducky was pretty sure he would have wanted to see her before the body was taken away. He wished he had been here to support Jethro when he saw her but maybe it was better that he was alone. Ducky knew Jennifer's death was going to take a fearsome toll on Jethro and he was worried about how his friend was going to handle it.

Gibbs drew in a deep breath and raked his hands over his face and through his hair. When he spoke his voice was thick with emotion and unshed tears. It seemed as if, in the middle of his thoughts, he could no longer keep them to himself. They began to leak out and spill around the two men sitting, mourning in the darkness.

"I always knew where she was. When we were in Europe I always knew where she was. I almost always had her in my sight. For two years she was almost never out of my sight. We were always together, working, not working, I always knew where she was. Even after she left I knew where she was most of the time. I am having a hard time accepting that I'm never going to see her again, Ducky. Never going to touch her again. Hear her laughing or saying my name. I don't know how I'm going to manage with her gone. I'm just so used to knowing where she is all the time and seeing her whenever I wanted to."

"Is that why you're here, Jethro, to see her one last time?"

"Yeah. I did that already. You know it's not the same but I had to see her. I had to touch her hair, at least that still feels the same. And I figured I better apologize for burning down her house."

"Mike told me what happened at the house. Were you going to let that woman kill you Jethro?"

"I don't know. Probably. What difference would it have made? If I had done my job right years ago, verified the kill, none of this would have happened and Jen would still be alive."

"Jennifer was a professional and you trusted her to do her job."

"I was distracted."

"You were in love."

"Yeah."

"It would make a difference you know, you being dead I mean. It would make a difference to me and to your team."

Silence enveloped them again. There didn't seem to be anything left to say. Jethro finally let the tears come knowing it was no use trying to hide his feelings from Ducky.

When he trusted himself to speak Jethro said, "I'll be okay Duck. Why don't you go on home."

"I hate to leave you alone Jethro."

"I'm not alone Duck. And I don't want to leave Jen here alone so you go on. Get some sleep and I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry, I'll be here when you come back. I promise."

Gibbs stood up and helped Ducky to stand. He hugged his friend and thanked him for finding him. When Ducky was gone Jethro resumed his post on the floor. He wiped his face and took several deep breaths. Then he began talking to Jen telling her all the things he had meant to say but never had the courage to when she was alive. He talked until his voice was raw and his emotions were spent. Only when he was sure he had said everything that needed saying did he allow himself to drift off to sleep and dream of the time when he always knew where she was.

END


End file.
